A managers guide to Zombies

Making the living dead, or zombies as they are more commonly known, is not as hard you might think. In Voodoo folklore, where it all started, zombies aren’t dead at all (myth #1). They’re normal human beings, like me and you, that have been hypnotised in to a death-like state – in which the victim’s will is entirely subjected to that of the Bokor (a Creole word meaning: Manager).

Real zombies behave like regular people, but are completely unconscious (like old people in the supermarket). They’ve zoned out and switched off. In fact, the only way you can pick a real zombie out of a line-up is to look deep in to his eyes – where you’ll see the vacant, dispossessed emptiness you’ve seen a thousand times, staring back at you in team meetings, coaching sessions and performance reviews.

Every manager tells me that their team is Zombie free and every engagement survey tells me they are there in spades. Zombies are sneaky like that. If you have watched a lot of Zombie movies you probably think they are bumping around from desk to desk, devouring executive assistants, chewing on brains and groaning at the Cappuccino machine (myth #2). You wouldn’t think of them as sneaky. But they are. It’s not purposeful, obvious sneakiness. It’s subtle, under the radar sneakiness, because no one wants to be outed as a Zombie. It’s embarrassing. And potentially career threatening. When you apply for other jobs, put your hand up for a promotion or ask for a raise, the last thing you want is a reputation as a Zombie.

Here’s how to find the Zombies:

Zombies have questionable values and spend more time than you could possibly imagine trying to get you replaced (they certainly won’t get you promoted). They oppose your ideas – no matter how good they are, compete for your attention, avoid learning new things, rely on you mercilessly for basic ‘no-brainer’ stuff, and are risk averse. Zombies drain you of every last ounce of energy.

Recognise them now? Good, because when there are enough of them, they will turn you in to a Zombie. Meanwhile, Zombies won’t help you hit your numbers – or whatever key result you’re there to achieve – and they won’t help you reach organisational objectives or realise visions or missions. With Zombies, there is no upside.

In the movies you have to decapitate a Zombie to destroy it (myth #3). In business speak, you have to ‘fire’ them. But in these uncertain times it is not so easy to replace the head you just severed. And, even if you could, other Zombies will spread their discontent lickety-split (not a myth).

Zombie movies just wouldn’t work if they told the truth. If Zombie-ness could be reversed by a mad scientist it would take away all the tension. In real life, what wouldn’t we give to take away tension. We already have enough tension, thank you very much, so bring on the de-zombification instructions – only without the mad scientist.

How to de-zombify a Zombie:

Zombies are like Werewolves in one regard: they can be released by the one who truely loves them. In fact, it doesn’t really have to be a lot of love. Support and encouragement will do the trick. A little bit of care and attention. Empathy works too. Even a kind word can unbind the spell if it is done often enough.

I could go on but it would only complicate what is really very simple: Caring, supporting, encouraging, empathising, paying attention, giving feedback and a little non-competitive praise, being there. They all work. No training required or complex leadership theories to whiteboard. Just do it and watch people wake up and switch on. It’s a miracle.

Jason Moore is the Van Helsing of workplace Zombies – only without the fancy crossbow. He helps leaders create personal and organisational value by building a humanistic performance culture without the Zombies. Jason blogs his thoughts on making work a better place to work at www.newrulesofwork.com.

Follow @newrulesofwork on Twitter or download his eBook: Meeting of the Living Dead.